The best funny poems to share with friends

'Vanity' by Brian Patten

When I broke the mirror I bought a new one. 

I didn’t like what I saw, 

So I took it back to the shop and asked for one 

Like the one I’d bought some years before.

Allie Esiri brings you 366 of the world's most spellbinding verse writers in this gorgeous anthology. Whether reading aloud or just sharing with loved ones, discover exciting new writers alongside some familiar favourites. Shakespeare, William Wordsworth, Christina Rossetti and Emily Bronte sit alongside Roger McGough, Wendy Cope, Imtiaz Dharker, Leonard Cohen, Sylvia Plath and Ocean Vuong. Each poem sits alongside a small introduction to the writer, providing biographical details and the odd quirky anecdote. A stunning collection to make poetry part of your daily routine.

'Mosquito at my Ear' by Kobayashi Issa, translated by Robert Hass 

Mosquito at my ear—

does he think

I’m deaf?

Taken from A Poet for Every Day of the Year

'Celia Celia' by Adrian Mitchell

When I am sad and weary

When I think all hope has gone

When I walk along High Holborn

I think of you with nothing on

Taken from A Poet for Every Day of the Year

'Funeral Shoes (Stop all the Crocs)' by Brian Bilston 

Stop all the Crocs, cut out these foam clogs,

Don’t let your footwear go to the dogs,

Silence the pavements from the Crocs’ fearsome slap,

Bring out the dustbin, put your Crocs into that.

Let the easyJets gather and circle in glee

To write on the sky the words CROC: R.I.P.

Organise parties and grand cavalcades,

Host dinners, bake cakes, throw victory parades.

He was her North, her South, her West and East,

Her Mini-Milk, her Fab, her Chocolate Feast.

But such thoughts were all packed away in a box,

From the moment she saw him wearing Crocs.

Crocs are passé now: discard all your pairs;

Lob them onto the waves, recite a prayer.

Watch them drift out to where sea and sky meet,

And beg for forgiveness from your poor feet.

Shortlisted for the Costa First Novel Award 2019, Diary of a Somebody is the hilarious debut novel from the unofficial Poet Laureate of Twitter, Brian Bilston. On 1 January Brian makes a New Year’s resolution – to write a poem every day for a year – convinced it will change his life. And Brian’s life certainly needs improving. But when his poetry club arch-nemesis Toby Salt goes missing, Brian finds himself the number one suspect. Can he solve the mystery of Toby’s disappearance before it’s too late?

Listen to Ben Miller read three poems from Diary of a Somebody

'Thief' by Brian Bilston 

You caught me stealing a glance at you.

Ordered me to empty out my pockets.

I shook my booty onto the table:

a swiped charge card,

a nose I’d pinched,

one poached egg,

a ruler (half-inched),

a gaze I’d shifted,

some spirits lifted,

and selected other stolen moments.

You told me to stop thieving

and start behaving.

Fat chance.

I’ve even nicked myself

Shaving.

Taken from Diary of a Somebody

'I would like to apologise for the delay' by Brian Bilston 

I would like to apologise for the delay

in coming to work today.

This is due to a signalling failure

between my primary motor cortex and pyramidal motor pathway.

I shall remain here instead,

sidelined in this bed,

until further notice.

I would like to apologise for the delay

in going for a run today.

This is due to leaves on the tracksuit

I wore last week,

during my unsuccessful attempt to bury myself

in a coppiced wood.

I would be there still, if I could.

I would like to apologise for the delay

in joining your skiing holiday.

This is due to the wrong kind of snow,

which, as far as I’m concerned, is any kind of snow

that enables people

to hurtle down slopes, at speed,

on skis.

I would like to apologise for the delay

in taking part in life today.

This is due to delays.

Taken from Diary of a Somebody

'Mrs Icarus 'by Carol Ann Duffy 

I’m not the first or the last 

to stand on a hillock, 

watching the man she married

 prove to the world 

he’s a total, utter, absolute, Grade A pillock.

Containing all of the poems from her nine volumes of adult poetry, as well as her beloved Christmas poems, this is the essential collection for all Carol Ann Duffy fans, or anyone wanting to discover her for the first time.

'Walking My Seventy-Five-Year-Old Dog' by Billy Collins 

She’s painfully slow,

so I often have to stop and wait

while she examines some roadside weeds

as if she were reading the biography of a famous dog.

And she’s not a pretty sight anymore,

dragging one of her hind legs,

her coat too matted to brush or comb,

and a snout white as a marshmallow.

We usually walk down a disused road

that runs along the edge of a lake,

whose surface trembles in a high wind

and is slow to ice over as the months grow cold.

We don’t walk very far before

she sits down on her worn haunches

and looks up at me with her rheumy eyes.

Then it’s time to carry her back to the car.

Just thinking about the honesty in her eyes,

I realize I should tell you

she’s not really seventy-five. She’s fourteen.

I guess I was trying to appeal to your sense

of the bizarre, the curiosities of the sideshow.

I mean who really cares about another person’s dog?

Everything else I’ve said is true,

except the part about her being fourteen.

I mean she’s old, but not that old,

and it’s not polite to divulge the true age of a lady.

Buy the book

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Whale Day is a collection of whimsical and imaginative poems from Billy Collins, the man heralded as 'America's favourite poet' by The Wall Street Journal. In this collection, take a walk with an impossibly ancient dog, discover the correct way to eat a banana and even meet a quaint Irish spider. Consistently surprising, these poems are funny yet rich in meaning, providing a fresh perspective on the world which we live in. 

Buy the book

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'Banana School' by Billy Collins 

The day I learned that monkeys

as well as chimps, baboons, and gorillas

all peel their bananas from the other end

and use the end we peel from as a handle,

I immediately made the switch.

I wasted no time in passing this wisdom on

to family, friends, and even strangers

as I am now passing it on to you—

a tip from the top, the banana scoop,

the inside primate lowdown.

I promise: once you try it

you will never go back except

to regret the long error of your ways.

And if you do not believe me,

swing by the local zoo some afternoon

with a banana in your pocket

and try peeling it in front of the cage

of an orangutan or capuchin monkey,

and as you begin, notice

how the monkeys stop what they’re doing,

if they are doing anything at all,

to nod their brotherly approval through the bars.

Better still, try it out on the big silverback gorilla.

See if you can get his dark eyes to brighten a bit

as the weight of him sits there in his cage

the same way Gertrude Stein is sitting

in that portrait of her she never liked by Picasso.

Taken from Whale Days

'Ten Rules for Aspiring Poets' by Brian Bilston 

1. Poetry does not have to rhyme.

 Well, at least not all the time always.

2. Metaphors can lend a poem power

 (although mixing them isn’t good).

 Should they start to fly in all directions,

 nip them in the bud.

3. Focus and concentration

 are important skills to hone.

 Close the door. Turn off the wi-fi.

 Don’t get distracted by your ph

4. Avoid clichés like the plague.

5. Don’t write stuff that’s a bit vague.

6. The use of unnecessarily long words

 may result in reader alienation.

 Curb your sesquipedalianism.

 Obviate all obfuscation.

7. Always proof-read you’re work.

 Accuracy can be it’s own reward!

 And remember that the penis

 mightier than the sword.

8. Check haiku closely

 for lines which have too few

 or too many syllables.

9. Never ever follow rules.

If you’re looking for books about love for the poetry lover in your life, look no further than Brian Bilston’s poetry collection, Alexa, what is there to know about love? Full of poems about love in all its forms, from romantic love to familial love and even love on the internet, this is the perfect, witty gift book for Valentine’s Day. 

Remembrance of Things Pasta by Brian Bilston

She blew her fusilli,

my pretty penne,

when she found me watching

daytime tagliatelle.

Je ne spaghetti rien,

I responded in song,

but she did not linguini

for long,

just walked out

without further retort:

a hard lesson to be tortellini,

orzo I thought.

And so here I am,

all on my macaroni,

and now my days

feel cannelloni.

Taken from Alexa, What is there to know about love?

The Unrequited Love of an Olympic Pole Vaulter by Brian Bilston

I guess

it wasn’t

meant

to be

your bar

was set

too high

for me

it’s been

four years

since we

last met

and I

haven’t

got over

you yet

Taken from Alexa, What is there to know about love?